The Akimichi Massacre
by scranity
Summary: The story of the most horrifying slaughter in the history of Konoha. Even if horrifying is being used in a different context.


The light and chiming secondary dinner bell rang throughout the Akimichi compound, the home to one of the famed members of the Ino-Shika-Cho.

Said member and head of his clan, Akimichi Choza, sat down at the head of the table, ready for the afternoon snack he'd be having to keep him going before he'd have to wait another half an hour for dinner. A clan head needs to keep his strength up after all!

"Well my beautiful wife," the large man began, "what's on the menu today?"

"Why we're having some boiled cabbage and lettuce as a salad, a large helping of onion, lentil, and broccoli soup, an entire bowl of hard boiled eggs, a batch of pepper and bean burritos, and some candied apples as dessert" his wonderful wife proudly proclaimed with a satisfied smile.

While a slightly random array of foods, Choza really didn't care what it was he was eating as long as it tasted good and filled him up. In a disgusting show he began gorging himself on the various dishes lain out on the table with reckless abandon, sending bits of bean and cabbage onto his wife and the ground, not noticing that the woman's smile was actually quite fake.

As he finished and began waddling out of the room, his wife quickly dashed to the kitchen and pulled out the largest arrangements of food she had ever made. Even though the sheer mass of the food weighed over two metric tons, it would stand only a couple of minutes against the entire clan. But it would be enough.

Arraying the food out to grant the hardest access to further delay finishing their meal so to buy time for the inevitable, she then set the dinner bell on a timer and sprinted out the front door.

* * *

The much larger and louder dinner bell rang, and this time it was for the entire clan rather than just the clan head. The group of almost 100 shinobi trundled through the front door, then through the back when two members tried to enter at the same time and got stuck.

They all began to salivate as they stared at the mountain of food, and the moment that the last of them had sat down and the clan head formally put the first piece in his mouth, the entire group fell upon them like animals. Fat, flabby, animals.

But as they ate Choza's stomach began to rumble, and he knew he was about to let one rip. He didn't worry though. They usually weren't too bad.  
In this case however, unknown to him, the foods he had eaten had rushed through his system and were processed rapidly by his advanced metabolism. And their remnants were in quite the gaseous state.

His air biscuit ended up as an entire air cake.

A genin passing behind him was the first fatality, the impact of the below-the-waist-belch knocking him off his feet and into the wall where his neck was broken on impact and his body pushed partially through the thick wood.

The gas of the flatulent flute quickly spread from there and in milliseconds it had enveloped the first couple of people around him who were smothered from the sheer mass of the noxious fumes.

A few of the clan members further out who had heard the anal acoustics from Choza's backside briefly looked up, whereupon the toxic cloud began to dissolve their eyeballs before they could blink. Both metaphorically and literally. The man-made mustard gas traveled throughout the compound completely within half a minute, rendering every single person inside dead.

Although the death count was slightly lower, the sheer speed and efficiency of the cyanide substitute made it the most deadly slaughter of shinobi in the history of Konoha, save the Yellow Flash himself.

For almost a week after civilians and shinobi alike could still _feel_ the remnants of the scented scream, the terminal flatulence making the area too toxic to be near for any amount of time without tearing up.

The only survivors were Choji Akimichi, who was having a sleepover at the time, a few members who were out on missions, and Choza himself, as the effects of an anal explosion are only a fraction of their strength when created by your own body.

* * *

"And that's why you don't see many of us nowadays!" Choji shouted out loud with his mouth full of potato chips, answering Naruto's question with an unnecessary amount of detail and hand movements.

"Erm," Naruto started, "thanks for letting me know, but I only asked for a chip or two..."

**"...THEY'RE MINE!"** the chubby child roared, then proceeded to expand his arm and smash Naruto out into the distance.

* * *

**/AN/**

**I am so, so sorry.**

**I honestly only really made this story so I could have an excuse to write a whole bunch of fart jokes. But I _was_ severely tempted to tag it as horror.  
**

**Also, sorry to any Choji lovers out there.**


End file.
